So, the final scores are in
and I can reveal that in second place with 70 points,
I'm Smartacus!
So, in joint first place,
with 75 points and a chance to win the ham,
we have a tie between Angela's Team and We Own The Bloody Bar.
Which can mean only one thing, everybody, it's a sudden-death tiebreaker!
It's a geography question. Here goes.
What is the capital of Britannia?
We Own The Bloody Bar, I'll take your answer first.
It's Londinium.
Right, cos I think it's Camulodunum.
Okay, well, I know it's Londinium.
Well, what do you two think?
- I can only think about ham. - I'm gonna have to hurry you.
Okay, right, I think we go with Marcus. It's the sort of saddo shit he knows.
Thank you. It is. I am excellent at geography.
- Fine! Go on then, saddo. - Londinium. It's Londinium.
- Angela's Team? - We think it's Camulodunum.
And the capital of Britannia is...
Camulodunum!
Angela's Team, you've won the ham!
Well played, well played.
I'm keeping it! Get off! We own the bloody bar!
Sync and corrections: minouhse www.addic7ed.com
- Hello, Gloria. - Oh, you made it.
Surprised you found your way across town, what with your piss-poor grasp of geography.
Still on that, are we? How about we move on? Try and find our way to dinner later?
Can't, I'm afraid. I'm having a wild night in with Barney
and his essay on the Second Punic War.
Is that not something he can handle himself?
Handling himself is the only thing he can do these days.
He's in some stinky, sticky phase, where all he thinks about is sex.
Not sure that's a phase, exactly.
Forgot his schoolbooks, too, the dozy sod.
I'd get in a pedagogue to tutor him if I had the cash.
- I know even less about this stuff than him. - Why don't I tutor him?
I guess because last night proved you know even less than me?
No, that was different. That was geography.
This is history. AKA my specialist subject.
Especially the Punic Wars.
And extra-specially, the second one.
Well, that would be very helpful, actually.
- You don't expect me to pay for this, do you? - Nah, course not.
Not in money, anyway.
- It's really not a phase, is it? - Afraid not.
I'll make sure he gets his schoolbooks as well.
- You sure? - All part of the service, madam.
Hang on, Gloria wants you to be a paedo for her son?
Pedagogue! Not paedo. As in tutor.
- I'm a pedo, if anything. - Right.
Sorry, language was never my specialist subject.
No shit! Do you even have one?
Er, yes!
It was, er... Not maths.
All right, what's yours, dick breath?
- Apart from being bullied? - Well, where do I start?
Woodland dance. Calligraphy. Choral odes.
- Choral odes?! - Big time, baby.
You're looking at the primo soprano at my school's soprano choir.
- Soprano? Isn't that a girl's part? - Traditionally, yes.
But thankfully, my balls remained high and hard until I was 18.
- So you were bullied, then? - Well, yes, obviously a bit.
Mainly by the girl whose solos I'd stolen.
What about you, G-Dog? What was your specialist subject?
Probably lunch.
- Not a subject. - Course it is.
Every meal is a test and I have a 100% pass rate.
Yeah, well, not any more, you don't.
- Hey, what you doing? I were acing that. - Go take Barney his school books.
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
Alright, keep your dick on. I must have a specialist subject.
Maybe it's fashion.
Don't think it is, mate.
Barney!
Excuse me.
- Has anyone seen Barney? - Hey, you, what are you doing out there?
Oh, soz. I'm just looking for Barney.
Are you a sixth former?
What? No.
Then you're not allowed outside the gates at breaktime.
Come on, in you come.
Have you had your lunch yet?
Not completely.
They stop serving in 20 minutes, so if you want something to eat, you better hurry up.
Right. Yeah.
- I better had, hadn't I? - Yes.
- Come on, chop chop. - Ooh, yeah.
By what means did Rome achieve victory in the Second Punic War?
So, the thing to do here is break the question down.
What does 'by' mean? What does 'means' mean?
What does 'Rome' mean?
The city we live in?
No, I know. Sure.
But what does 'victory' mean?
Was it a victory, in fact?
Isn't that the question behind the question?
- It says how we won in the text book. - Forget the text book.
We don't need it. You got me. I am the text book.
So, let's jot down the ways
in which the Second Punic War was in fact a defeat.
Are you doing that,
or are you just writing the word 'Sabrina'?
Yeah, um... Sorry.
Ooh, hello.
Who's Sabrina, then?
It's a girl in the year above.
- Keep talking. - Or maybe don't, in fact?
Oh, she's well fit, trust me.
- Everything about her's perfect. - Sweet. She your girlfriend, then?
No. Are you joking? She doesn't even know I exist.
I'm nothing to her.
Just like the Roman army was nothing to the might of Carthage.
So let her know you're something, brother. Get inside her head.
She's in the year above. I can't even get inside her classroom.
So build up your street cred. Get people talking about you.
Lay some traps then reel her in.
Just like Hannibal trapped the Roman army in the battle of Cannae.
Stop making everything about history. Your man's bored shitless.
But it is about history.
That's literally what we're doing here, and Barney will learn to enjoy it.
I don't think I will, actually.
- I sort of want more tutoring from him. - Oh, my Jove.
That's my specialist subject. It's chirpsin'.
Which will come in really handy when he's writing an essay on the Second Punic War.
Why don't you just write it and then he can copy you?
- Because that's cheating. - So?
You'll keep banging on at him until he writes exactly what you want, anyway.
I'd much prefer it, to be honest.
I bet you would. Your mum may not, though.
I won't say anything if you won't.
- All right, then. - Follow me, Barno.
I'm gonna teach you my trademark sexy lip bite.
It's intelligent, yet readable.
Provocative, but not glib.
It's up there with some of my best work. In fact,
- let me just read it to you. - Oh, yeah, great, I'd love that.
As would I, of course, but sadly, I'm off out for a walk.
A walk? Since when do you walk?
I'm a life-long walker, sunshine, except for my first year or so.
- Gloria. - Morning, boys.
Gloria! Hi!
Hello. How's it going?
Could not be better.
Barney has been raving about his lessons, says he's learned loads of useful stuff.
Has he? I'm so pleased to hear that.
As am I, as his pedagogue.
And I'm pretty confident he's going to hand in a corker of an essay.
That is such a relief.
I was beginning to think he was just a lazy oik
whose only interests were sleep and masturbation.
No. No, far from it.
Well, thank you, Marcus. Maybe I can take you for dinner.
- How's Friday? - Don't mind if I do.
Oi, wait your effing turn, lad.
Piss off, bum face.
- Get out of it! - Yeah? Or what?
Oh, geezer.
Hey! Hey!
Break it up!
You, come with me.
- What's your name, son? - Grumio.
Grumio, sir.
What form are you in?
Five B, sir.
Five B? What, you're 13?
Yeah. That's right, 13, sir.
And I am sorry about smacking that lad, sir, but he did start it.
- Don't be. - Huh?
Never apologise for a right hook like that.
Never seen such upper body strength in a lad your age.
Oh, cheers, sir.
Cards on the table. I want you, Grumio.
I want you in the boxing team.
A lad with your natural talent,
we could finally beat Esquiline High.
- No, ta, I don't really do sport. - Oh, really?
Would you rather I march you home to your parents
and tell them about this little punch-up?
Not really, no, sir.
That's what I thought.
So, you'll report to training tomorrow lunch break.
- What? I'd rather not miss lunch. - Oh, you won't.
I make sure the boxing team get double portions.
Oh, right.
Knockout.
Good lad.
Oh, my Jove, there she is. That's Sabrina. I can't breathe.
All right, yeah, you weren't kidding, boy.
- Come on, let's go talk to her. - Oh, how?
Only sixth formers are allowed out at lunch.
I couldn't get anywhere near her. Damn this shitty gate!
Alright, chill. Leave it with me.
I'll go do some quality wing-manning,
- build up the Barney legend! - Okay. Thanks, Jason.
You're the best!
Hey. You girls go to Aventine High?
Last time I checked.
- Why? - Oh, you might know a mate of mine, Barney.
Handsome, funny, sexually experienced?
- Year below you, I think. - Why are you mates with a 15-year-old?
- You're a grown-up. - Yeah, I know.
His mum owns the laundrette next to my bar.
You've got a bar?
Yeah, it is a bit.
When you're a grown-up, life's just like one big free period, so...
Is it? Well, you should come hang out at the fountain.
You can go halvesies on my packed lunch if you like.
Could do. What you packin'?
Cheese sandwich. And an apple.
Old school.
I'm just saying, I found it a bit hard to follow and stodgy.
And I'm just saying, you're an idiot, so stick to choral odes maybe?
Glass of red wine, please, bar man. Make it a large one.
Really? It's only four o'clock.
Barney got his essay back.
Great. So, are we celebrating?
Hardly. He got a D minus.
- A what? A D? - Minus.
Hate to say I told you so.
Ajax, you sit this one out, I'm gonna give Grumio a go here.
Up you get, son.
Right, remember, footwork, keep your guard up,
- work the body. - Got it, coach.
Fight!
Well done, Grumio. That was incredible!
Cheers, I forgot to do the footwork and the guard stuff.
Oh, don't worry about that.
It's the punching them in the head that's the main thing.
I might go and get that double lunch, if I may.
- I'm feeling dead peckish after that. - You go for it, champ.
You're a killer!
"Littered with factual inaccuracies,
"wild theories, and absurdly long sentences,
"this essay is a fiasco from start to finish."
I don't understand.
- You read it, then? - Read it? I was all over it.
The teacher has clearly got it in for him.
I tried talking to Barney about it, but he's in some teenage funk.
Farting's the only noise I can get out of him.
- Well, he's probably upset. - He is! Devastated. But not about this.
The girl he fancies has some suave new boyfriend,
so obviously that is the end of the world.
I'll get the gory details about this essay shit storm
at parents' evening and report back.
Or maybe I can come too?
Really? I don't think we're quite at the co-parenting stage yet.
No, no, I know we're not. Far from it.
But for moral support, huh?
And I'd quite like to meet this...
Miss Marula, as it goes.
The whole education system must be totally fucked!
If a cretin like that can become a teacher, they may as well ask you to work there.
Any chance of asking him to work here instead?
- I'm rushed off my feet. - Yeah, what's going on?
- Why have we got customers? - They're all mates of Sabrina,
so you're welcome.
Sabrina? As in Barney's Sabrina?
- Well, she's more like my Sabrina now. - What, you?
You're the suave new boyfriend?
We're not going steads, but yeah, sounds like me.
Isn't she about 16?
What?! No! Eff off. She's 17.
- Very nearly 17. - So she is 16?
She is, yeah, technically.
- Looks like you're the paedo these days, boy. - Oh, as if!
She's extremely mature for her age. She likes olives, for example.
Here, I'll introduce you. Sabrina?
Sabby, babes, come and meet my mates, and Aurelius.
All right, Jason's mates? Sick bar.
No way! My dad's got that tunic.
Well, then, your dad must be one cool dude.
No, he's a fat solicitor.
- Is he? - Any chance of a top-up, babe?
Yeah, sure thing, babe. Pop some more wine in that, will you, Aurelius?
Hang on, wine? She can't have wine!
Oh, relax, Grandma, it's fine.
No, it isn't! She is a child!
If we get caught, we'll lose our licence.
She can have milk.
- Milk? I'm not a fucking baby. - Well, you're not far off.
- Are the rest of them on wine? - Just a bit.
Right, get 'em out, Aurelius, now.
- Yes, sir. - Oh, no, come on!
All under 18s out. Immediately! Come on.
Where am I supposed to take her now?
I don't know. Maybe try the sand pit.
This is well harsh. How come the boxing kid gets to stay?
He's only in Year Five!
Kids say the funniest things.
Sabs!
Sabby, babe, wait.
- You said your mates were cool. - Yeah, sorry.
I didn't know they were gonna be such geeks about the whole law thing.
- We could go shops, maybe get some sweets? - No. I should go home.
- I've got a chemistry test in the morning. - Very sensible.
Okay, you get swotting and then we'll do something proper exciting
and grown-up tomorrow, yeah?
Traitor!
Eh, Barno! What you doing here?
I live here.
What are you doing, more like? Cuddling Sabrina?
- You're meant to be my wing man. - I know!
- I am. Sort of. - Who's the kid, Jase?
She doesn't even know who I am! I mean, that is terrible wing-manning.
This is Barney. I did mention him briefly a while back.
Look, Barn, you were right.
She is perfect and therefore unperfect for you.
She needs someone mature and suave who's gonna show her a good time.
And you're way too short for me.
I cannot wing man you any taller.
I thought you were helping me.
I am! Hey, coping with knock-backs, that's part of the tuition.
Cope a bit better if you can.
I never meant for this to happen.
One minute I'm at the school gates, delivering some books,
the next minute I'm in the sports hall, smacking the shit out of some kid.
Okay, I think you've skipped out a fair few minutes there.
Look, all you need to know is I've found my specialist subject.
Boxing. Specifically, under-14 level.
That is way worse than what I'm doing, to be fair.
Well, neither of you have exactly covered yourselves in glory.
You can talk. You got a D minus.
Oh, that was a mistake. I'm getting that fixed.
Grumio, I cannot believe I have to tell you this,
- but you need to stop punching children. - No. I won't.
We've got a crunch match against Esquiline High this week,
and I'm gonna be absolutely smothered in glory.
And there is such a thing as a free lunch, by the way,
and your lad's on double portions.
I am a little concerned about Barnabas's progress.
While his latest essay was much more...
well, dense than usual,
it also exhibited a certain arrogance.
I would never describe Barney as arrogant.
- Well, no, neither would I. - Because he's not!
And nor was his essay. Provocative? Sure.
Original? Certainly.
Arrogant? No way.
Marcus has been helping Barney with history.
Well, trying to, anyway.
Let me give you an example.
Yeah, so, "While most historians assert
"that the Roman army defeated Carthage,
"I propose that the very opposite is true."
What a fresh perspective.
Yeah, fresh, as in completely idiotic.
It's like he never even opened the text book.
How else could he have come up with such a daring argument?
And maybe he's right! Maybe Carthage did win.
The City of Carthage was completely destroyed.
Including the slums and open sewers, which needed replacing, anyway.
Their entire population was enslaved.
And transported to Rome for free, which was kind of a win for them.
- It's genuinely quite offensive. - Which is too much
for a blinkered, jobsworth div to appreciate. D minus is a joke!
I should have at least got a B! He should have at least got a B.
Barney.
It's fresh.
- You wrote it, didn't you? - I did, sorry.
Is there any chance Barney could do it again, on his own this time?
Yes, of course, but we do take cheating very seriously,
so I'm afraid he will receive a punishment.
I'll bin this one, shall I?
Oh, well...
It's not like we can get into any bars, can we?
We could go to a posh restaurant or something.
- That'll be well expensive, though. - Or go for a ride in your chariot?
Sure, if I had a chariot. Which I don't.
Oh, come on, it's not that bad.
The playground's a bit of retro fun.
It's not retro for me, I only just stopped coming here,
and you said you'd show me a good time.
And I will. Strap in, sweetheart,
cos you're about to go higher than you've ever gone!
Jase, be careful!
Oh, see this is the benefit of going out with a grown-up.
I can push much harder than the boys your age!
Let's do a loop the loop!
That was fun.
Right?
I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have cheated like that.
I'm not angry about the cheating, Marcus.
I'm angry you got such a shit mark!
At least cheat well!
I thought history was meant to be your specialist subject.
Now I think about it, I may have misremembered my history of learning history.
I'm better at science, if he needs help with that.
God, no! Keep away.
If he struggles from now on, I am shelling out for a proper pedagogue.
Fair enough. So, are we still on for dinner?
Wouldn't have thought so. You are going to be busy this evening.
Right, this is the big one.
Esquiline High.
I've not won a fight against these in all my 25 years of coaching,
and I'll tell you honestly,
I will love it if we beat them. Love it!
Okay, cos I were thinking, maybe Ajax could fight instead.
You what? That scrawny little pecker?
- You're a killer. - There is a reason for that, coach.
Yeah, cos you're the real deal. A boxing natural.
And cos I'm a 29-year-old man.
I'm not even meant to be in school.
I got mistaken for a kid and I kept coming back for the lunches.
I've heard what you've got to say, I really have, but the thing is,
this is my only chance to beat these bastards,
so pretend that I haven't.
Fair dos.
All right then, son, let's get it over with.
Bloody hell.
Fight!
Claudius! Claudius!
- Are you sure we're in the right bit? - Yeah, this is paediatrics.
- Paedo-what-now? - The bit for kids.
Right, yeah.
Fell out of a tree, my one.
Oh, right.
How about yours?
Oh, uh... Yeah, similar. Fell out a swing.
I didn't fall, you pushed me.
Well, bit of both, maybe.
Well, I'm sure your daddy didn't mean to.
You what? He's not my daddy.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought...
- Are you the teacher, then, or... - Boyfriend, yeah.
- Listen, Sabs, babes, we need to talk. - You're dumped.
What? No, I was about to...
I thought dating an older guy would be glamorous and stuff,
but it's actually pretty lame.
- One, it's not, and two, I was dumping you. - Too late, I dumped you first.
- I'd already started the dumping process. - You didn't finish it.
- It still counts. - It doesn't matter, Jason. Grow up!
Grumio? What happened to you?
Got my head kicked in by a 13-year-old, didn't I?
Kids today are proper vicious.
Tell me about it.
Lines? That's pretty old school.
I know! That teacher's a total prick.
I've gotta write, "I will not ask other people to do my homework,"
1,000 times.
Actually, isn't calligraphy one of your specialist subjects?
It is, indeed. I have a beautiful cursive hand.
Well, I would love to see it in action...
about 993 times?
That goes completely against the spirit of the punishment, you realise?
That is beautiful.
Sync and corrections: minouhse www.addic7ed.com